


Wasted

by yesfir



Category: Tsubasa: Reservoir Chronicle
Genre: Also Kurogane is shit with emotions, M/M, Mentions of death-wish, Nonconsensual Kiss, Why is Fai like this
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-28
Updated: 2016-09-28
Packaged: 2018-08-18 09:03:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,942
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8156623
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yesfir/pseuds/yesfir
Summary: The first kiss was wasted on anger and hurt, but perhaps the second can put it right.





	

**Author's Note:**

> My very first KuroFai fix, written under pen name "sweetjerry" like 5 years ago. Part of the big transferring project as well.

There is no way of escaping that sudden sensation of distance, the feeling that they left something of Fai behind in Tokyo, or maybe even more accurately, that Fai has left him behind. That he's running for his life now, to some dark, unexplored part of his mind. It is almost tangible, as if he could reach out and touch the sensation if he tried. He wishes he could, because some cold, sharp part of it seems embedded in his chest, and touching it might just mean that he’d be able to pull it out.

He should've known it would be like that, with that damn witch involved. At the time, his freedom had seemed a small price to pay for the magician's life, but to his mind, she always finds a way to take more than you at first realize; there is always a catch. He doesn't for a second regret what he did, but now... now he knows the true sacrifice he made. It's uncomfortably close to the decision Syaoran made.

Save Sakura, but lose everything that could only be built through years of friendship, the feelings nurtured since childhood.

Save Fai, and lose the warmth which had slowly began to seep through those empty smiles, lose all the things Kurogane hadn't realized he treasured until they were gone.

The distance is slowly driving him mad. It's there every time Fai calls him "Kurogane", every time he refuses to look at him after feeding, every time he smiles that mirthless little smile that doesn't even pretend to be happy anymore; seeming to mock his previous attempts of seeing through them. It's there in his dreams, too, which are full of memories of a cheerful, teasing voice and eyes that, just occasionally, could be just as gentle as Princess Tomoyo's. Sometimes, those dreams change their nature after a while, earn a harsh edge of terror, as skin that was already pale turns paler yet, Fai weeps blood, and he looks up to see a blue eye staring at him from the wrong face. Those dreams always end with Fai once again begging him to let him die.

And despite the best efforts of Souma and Tomoyo, he has never been a patient person, and it doesn’t take long for him to snap. It doesn’t surprise him that he does; he’s felt it approaching since they first moved to this new world. Perhaps it's the way they're once more forced to fight side-by-side, in a semblance of trust that rubs him the wrong way, because such a thing no longer exists between them.

What surprises him how he does it.

It's with no plan, no motive, nothing but the blind need to somehow reduce the feeling of distance between them, that he crushes Fai against a wall. He holds him by the front of his jacket and presses against him so hard, he hears air whooshing out of the magician’s lungs. And then, with no idea what to do now that he has him there, and yet still not feeling like he got any closer at all, he follows the first wild impulse that tugs at his heart.

He regrets it the instance his lips close over Fai’s, slightly parted in shock and as soft as an invitation, an apology. Because he knows now, as he once did not, that there are some things force can’t achieve, and bridging the void between them is one such thing. He can’t force this kiss to mean something it doesn’t, any more than he can turn back time and have back the old Fai, the one that just occasionally would let him in.

Before Fai manages to react, before his body has stiffened in protest against his touch, before what almost feels like a kiss turns into a refusal, he pushes away from the magician. He turns his back on him because he doesn’t want to see, but not fast enough. Or maybe he just wants to punish himself for this, allowing his gaze to linger a split second longer than it should. Whatever the reason, his eyes are still on Fai’s face as the hurt makes his eye darken like a bruise; as if Kurogane had just punched through his whole being, and it had offered no more resistance than wet paper. And then he defends himself, and his gaze hardens until nothing can get through, not even a glint of recognition. As if he, too, has had his memories stolen.

All this in a split second. And then Kurogane is staring at the wall, his breathing coming harsh and sharp, and with a warmth that might never go away lingering on his lips. It's such a gentle thing, and still it burns like gall.

There’s a long silence, and something about it feels deliberate. He’s proven right, too, by the tone of Fai’s voice when he finally speaks.

“Was that what you wanted, Kurogane?” he demands lightly, but there is dark, angry amusement underneath. Warped and ruthless, somewhere in between cornered prey and stalking predator.

Kurogane actually opens his mouth to say “yes”, reflexively, as if he’d been waiting to do so. But he shakes his head angrily, biting down on the impulse to to fight. Hasn't he done enough damage? Hasn't he given Fai enough amunition against him? “No,” he grinds out, still feeling his hands close into fists as he wishes there was something he could punch, someone apart from the person who is practically asking for it. He won't help Fai hurt himself. “You know it’s not. Not now.”

Fai makes a small _tch_ sound. “Then surely it wasn’t necessary.”

He’s angry, so angry with Fai for being like this, but he’s _furious_ with himself. He knows now that he hadn't done it to confront Fai, not really. He'd done it to himself, to force himself to stop feeling for just a moment, to escape from the pain like a coward. He'd buckled under the pressure of what he couldn't control, and he'd hurt someone he cared about in the process.

Just like Fai.

The little shit is speaking the truth for once, as if he had to act as stupid as him for Fai to finally figure out how to be honest. Kurogane _gets_ it now, although he really wishes that he didn't. He understands why Fai is acting like he does, and it feels like a blow to the stomach.

Though in a way, he really should’ve known. The man’s a liar, through and through, so why did it come as a surprise that the one he’d been doing the best job of deceiving, was himself? That’s the only reason he can think of for this sudden, horrified retreat. Fai must’ve not realized what he was doing, how he’d slowly but surely invaded everything that was Kurogane’s, creeping ever closer upon him with his stupid smiles and his strange, sudden concessions and his arbitrary way of being kind. He must truly have fooled himself, somehow, that it was all part of his manipulation, and that the effect of it really meant nothing. The damn fool. The ridiculous little moron. And then, finding that it had gone so far that someone was willing to give everything, including themselves, to keep him alive… No wonder the little coward was acting like he did now.

Bastard. And the worst part is, he's really no better now. He hadn't wanted to deal with the fallout anymore, with his own complicated snarl of emotions, and so he'd lashed out at Fai, forcing his own hurt on him. This is no _fight_ , and with both of them acting like this, there sure as hell aren't going to be any winners.

He knows he is the kind of person who takes it upon himself to protect others; truth to be told, he’s damn well made it the very core of his existence. But he has learned the hard way that the protected should be given a choice in the matter, or you’ll just end up making a joke out of yourself and those you claim to want to protect. And what Fai is doing now is taking that choice away from him, he's certain of it, and he _hates_ it. But that is no excuse.

He'd taken what wasn't given freely, out of spite as much as desperation. It had been a petty, selfish thing to do, and what kind of man was he, if he couldn't admit as much?

“I’m sorry,” he says, keeping his voice flat and formal. “That was... wrong. I had no right.” And after a short pause he adds, less formally, “You can punch me if you feel like it.”

Silently as he may walk, Kurogane can still feel Fai stepping closer, until he’s a warm presence just a handbreadth from his back. The tension in the air is so tangible, he’s almost surprised that sparks don't jump between them. “Now why would I want to do a thing like that, hmm, Kurogane?” Fai mumbles, half mocking and half sad, or maybe half resentful and half amused; he’s all halves, all shades and ghosts, and if there is something that’s real under it all, then Kurogane can no longer find it. “But who knows? Maybe one day, I’ll take you up on that offer.”

He laughs quietly, probably because they both know that even a punch is a kind of emotional commitment, and as such it's something Fai won’t do.

But this is more than Kurogane can stand, borders on outright cruelty in a way that he can’t quite reconcile with the image of the Fai he used to know, the Fai he thought he knew. He knows it’s contrived, a way of pushing him further away, but that doesn’t change anything... and Fai is even more of an idiot if he thinks it does.

Growling a quiet curse at him, he leaves, feeling his breath caught in his chest as it sinks in that he wasted it. He wasted that kiss. He’d thrown away the last, treasured part of something he knows he can’t have back, by finally giving in and hurting Fai the way he wanted him to. He's not the kind of person who’ll pretend that he has something he doesn’t, no matter how much it hurts, but that is the problem with Fai. His fakery is contagious, and after spending too long trying to think like him, understand him, he'd ended up unable to recognize himself.

Knowing for certain that there really had been something there, something he'd almost had, is a poor compensation.

  
~*~*~*~

  
The smile on Fai’s face when he says “This is payback,” can’t really be called happy, but in all its naked frustration, it's still absolutely genuine. He calls him “Kuro-sama” again, and it annoys Kurogane that it makes him smile right back, that he can't even be angry about it anymore. He hears himself saying something about beating Fai up, as if he actually had the strength to tackle the mage’s mercurial fighting style right now. As if even small movements aren't throwing off his balance now that he's missing a limb. After a moment of trying to stare each other down – or rather, of Kurogane trying to stare Fai down, and Fai gazing blithely back at him – Fai chuckles and crouches down on the floor in front of him.

“You two clearly have much to discuss.” Tomoyo’s soft voice breaks the silence, and Kurogane jumps slightly as for the first time in his whole life, he’d actually managed to forget that she's in the room. Also, she says the words in a slightly pointed way which makes him glare sideways at her. Unabashed, she smiles serenely, his anger just as effective in the face of her calm as ever. Not at all, that is.

“You sort things out with your friend, Kurogane. I’ll be waiting.” And with a soft rustle of silk, and a last innocent little smile which fools nobody, she’s gone.

Fai looks amused, but he doesn’t comment on her words. Instead, and quite calmly, he says, “I told you I might take you up on your offer, Kuro-sama.”

Kurogane is quite sure that he only calls him that again because Fai’s a smug little bastard who wants him to know that he noticed his reaction to it the first time. He growls instead of replying, mostly because at first he doesn’t get what Fai is even talking about. But the magician waits patiently until it finally sinks in, and then Kurogane looks away, thoroughly uneasy. The shame he'd felt doesn't seem to have faded that much.

“Back then…”

“You really have the worst kind of timing, you know,” Fai says lightly, rocking back at his heels a bit and watching him through a spray of wispy fair locks. “While I suppose I can’t say that I’d realized the extent of my feelings before you did that foolish thing, I _had_ nonetheless wanted you to do something like that from time to time. And then you go and do it at a time like that. Really.”

Despite himself, Kurogane snorts, ignoring something that feels suspiciously like embarrassment - he’d rather chop off his other arm than acknowledge that particular feeling. “I’m not gonna apologize for ruining some idiot fantasy of yours,” he grunts. He'd apologized for the kiss, and would apologize again if Fai asked him too, as many times as he needed to hear it. But he draws the damn line at apologizing for picking a bad time for it.

“You’re brutish and unfeeling,” Fai accuses him, almost looking like he’s on the verge of pouting, and that really shouldn’t make Kurogane happy, but it does. It's a little bit of rightness being put back into the world.

Then the bastard suddenly smiles teasingly, poking him square in the chest. “And full of yourself, too, thinking that I fantasize about you.”

Kurogane slaps his hand away, glaring at him. “You’re the one who said…”

But Fai isn’t listening. He flops down on the floor, stretching out his long legs and looking rather pleased with himself, even if it’s still tempered with that new solemnity of his, the shadow that won’t leave his eyes anymore. Maybe it’s because he’s decided not to fake it, though Kurogane isn’t so sure. He’s got a feeling that if Fai could, he probably would at least try to cover it up; he'll need time before he no longer feels he has to. But maybe for now, the wound’s been bleeding for a bit too long, and he'll need to recover a bit before he has the energy to clean away the mess.

Blood... That makes him realize something else, too.

“No wonder you punch so weakly,” he growls.

“Hmm?” Fai raises his eyebrows in a pretty show of incomprehension, but Kurogane certainly isn't buying that anymore.

“You haven’t had any damn blood during the time I was passed out. Don’t lie. You haven’t.”

Fai glances away, making a small face. “You’ve only got yourself to blame for that. A person can lose a lot of blood if they behave like a fool and chop their own arms off, or so I’ve been told. That kind of person in not someone I’d want to feed off.” He smiles faintly. “The foolishness might be contagious, after all.”

Kurogane doesn’t answer, only looks instinctively around for his sword, only to find that it isn’t there. He dropped it, he remembers now. “I’m gonna need a knife,” he says, giving Fai a scalding look and daring him to defy him. Fai just sighs.

“You’re doing this all wrong,” he complains.

“Are you gonna get a knife or do I have to get one myself?” Kurogane demands relentlessly, making a motion as if to cross his arms and then, realizing that this is of course impossible, letting his arm fall limply at his side. A look of worry flits over Fai’s face, and a pale hand darts out to gently brush over Kurogane’s knuckles for just a second.

“Very well,” he concedes. “Since Tomoyo-chan says you’ve recovered. But you’ve got to do something for me in turn.”

Kurogane scowls, wondering how him draining his blood was the same as Fai doing _him_ a favor. But he doesn’t even bother asking, because he’s sure the answer is just going to piss him off. “Fine,” he grunts. “What?”

And suddenly Fai is an inch away from his face, having moved so quickly and fluidly that the movement barely registered in his brain. “You need to do it right this time,” he murmurs, lowering his eyelids in that demure way, his warm breath ghosting over Kurogane’s face. He stiffens in shock, his half-formed protest dying on the way to his lips, and apparently that is all the encouragement that Fai needs.

It’s not even as if it’s him doing anything, right or otherwise, Kurogane thinks distantly. Soft lips are pressed against his, gently exploring the slide and pressure, the warmth of skin against skin. But it’s not as if he thinks Fai will complain, and he has to reluctantly concede that neither will he. As cool hands cup his face and his own hand strays on its own accord to the small of Fai’s back, steadying himself as his eyelids flutter shut, he knows that this is something Fai couldn’t fake if he tried. Whatever this is, it's not the shadow of what they'd almost had before, but something new and much stronger.

Nothing had been wasted, because this is the first time they're doing it right. This time, it's for real.


End file.
